Someday

Will there come a day that I will finally feel on top of things? 

I suppose I should realize the answer to that is: No, and if you ever feel that way then there will ultimately be something that will bring you back down to earth.

I don't say that to be pessimistic. I say it because it's realistic mindset and because I need to stop beating myself up when it doesn't happen.

This morning as I sat planning out my day over a cup of coffee (weed the gardens, go grocery shopping, entertain the girls while Steve sands and primes a window, start the laundry) I received an email at 9:20 am that said, "Hi, Laura. We're waiting at the school for the tutoring session. Is everything okay?"

Shit.

Shitshitshitshitshit.

I had totally forgotten. Not like I remembered early this morning and then forgot for a bit. I had actually just completely blocked it from my mind that today is Sunday and I tutor at 9 am on Sundays. Ya know, because that's the time that I picked because it worked with my schedule.

I jokingly gave this blog the title "Maybe Someday We'll Get It Together" but the truth is that I feel like I am in a continual state of getting it together and that I just can't quite do it.

Either I don't weed the gardens and they look like hell or the house is a total mess or I don't prep the way I should for a class or the girls have no clean clothes or they are being babysat by Steve's iPad while I try to do all of those things.

I am type A and the feeling that I am doing things poorly just gets under my skin. I hate that someone else waited around for me. I hate that I then didn't do the tutoring session and then lost that money for our family. I hate that I seem inept - or even worse, that I feel inept.

I know that I am not actually inept. (Right?) But sometimes I look around and just think, "They (the girls, Steve, my students, whoever) deserve better than this." And I get mad at myself.

I need to stop doing that. All it does is make me upset and then I'm cranky and then, as Steve and the girls will attest, everyone that lives with me suffers. 

So, I lost out on the tutoring money. The family may think I am a total flake, but I have worked with them before and have been dependable and I can continue to be dependable.

The day is not a waste. I need to get back to that to-do list. So I am getting off of the internet, taking the iPad away from the girls, and we are going outside to play in the kiddie pool and weed gardens.

And maybe I'll get to that laundry. Then again, I may not. And I will not give myself that awful, negative inner monologue if it doesn't happen.